Afraid to Write

If I'm honest with myself, I'm afraid to write.

Most nights, after my kids are in bed, I mentally run through a set of options on how to spend the remainder of my evening. Most often, those options are one; watch Netflix. Two, read a book. I typically have two to three books going at a given time. Or, three, write.

Most nights, I read.

Reading feels productive. I can easily track the progress that I'm making. The page count steadily increases as I turn from page sixty-four to page sixty-five. I often read books that expand and challenge my thinking, so it regularly feels like I'm growing my knowledge.

Writing can feel daunting. It naturally raises self-doubt. Who am I to be writing anything? What experience or expertise do I have?

It's also intimidating. The whole purpose of writing is for your work to be read. But what if no one reads it? Even worse, what if they do and think that it's no good? Writing is a very vulnerable act and process.

Maybe that's why I'm afraid to write.

But oddly enough, writing is a significant part of what I do. As a pastor, I write a sermon just about every week. But a sermon is less about me, what I think, or what I have to say. It's about the Bible. The task of a preacher is to unpack with the Bible has to say. There's something comforting about that process that's different than writing.

The irony of it all is that I desire to write at least three books in the next ten years. I have two in the works and want to add one more to the list.

But the thing that will get in the way of accomplishing that goal is me, my own insecurities and self-doubt.

It's been about a month since I've written anything. So tonight, I wrote this, not for the sake of anyone other than myself. I needed to sit behind my keyboard and put down some words to build my confidence. I needed to remind myself that writing is a worthwhile pursuit, even if no one reads it or thinks it's any good.

I also needed to put this out in the world. Because it's really easy to convince yourself not. But the practice of sharing your work is important. I know someone else out there is wrestling through this very thing, and maybe this little piece will remind them not to give up.

So, even in the face of my fear, I write. Amidst the uncertainty and insecurity, I write. Even if no one ever reads this, I write.

If this resonates, so should you.